This woman I have no respect for, this woman who not only allows herself to get kicked to the curb but waits there so he can back over her again?

I've been sitting here after midnight googling "signs that he's not into you" and my "boyfriend" shows ALL of them. ALL of them. ALL OF THEM!

Why has this guy been dating me this long if he's not that into me?

Because he gets what he wants, when he wants it, and no one more interesting has happened by. I'm lower than low maintenance. I am NO maintenance with a side of "can I do anything for you honey?"

When I am angry or hurt, he doesn't try to make it better, he uses it as a "Woot Woot! built in relationship vacation"

I can't believe I became this woman. But I did. I am.

The truth is, he would treat a platonic friend better than he treats me.

As I've been blogging here, and hurting in the middle of the night, and filling up my best friends "mail box" with endless tomes of my hurts and frustrations, I am seeing clearly what I've only been feeling before. I don't HAVE a boyfriend.

Last weekend. On Sun he went into three red faced, screaming fist waving tantrums over things in his life that frustrate him. None of them were aimed at me or anything I've done, but I had to listen while he ranted on and on. Now all of us needs friends to listen while we vent. I grew up in a violent abusive household and yelling and fist waving terrify me. I essentially curl up into an emotional ball. At two points I had to leave the room because the anxiety caused by his yelling was overwhelming to me. He knows  that I have this issue, but goes into these rages frequently. He says he can't help it, because life is so frustrating and unfair.

One of his rages was at the local NPR station. He supports it with twenty bucks a month and is hooked on several evening radio shows (they are often a reason he gives for not being able to spend an evening with me) for some reason, the station doesn't always broadcast the show he is looking forward to, or they start it ten minutes late or whatever. Off he goes, yelling at what blankety blank idiots they are an how he supports them and he isn't getting his money's worth.

I feel like I put the equivalent, at least, of twenty bucks a month into our relationship,but how many times a month does he NOT follow through? He changes plans, turns his phone off, then tells me he was too tired to do anything anyway. If I voice even disappointment, let alone anger, off he goes on his litany of don't I know that he needs twelve hours of sleep a night (which is plain bullshit, left on his own he stays up late, I know this for a fact) and don't I know he needs his alone time? And didn't he tell me from the start that he has his radio shows and he need alone time and he has to hike two days a week (weekend). I have not gone into a rage at him, the way he rages at me, the way he rages at the NPR station, the way he rages on about work and how all they do is use, abuse and shit on him.

He has a tights fetish. I have purchased tights, leggings, body stockings etc to surprise and please him. He likes it. And it's fun for me too. He wears clothes when we have sex. He knows I like it when he gets naked. He says he will sometimes, but..basically it just doesn't happen. There are other sexual things I like, just really common normal things, but he doesn't care for them, he says we will get to them sometime, but we never do. I told him that I'd feel sexy if he got me this little fur cape, and wouldn't I look good in it AND a body stocking? Well, it's been about six weeks...no fur. I told him about the fur thing originally 9 months ago. It was about 6 weeks ago I gave him a link to the website. He assured me he still has the link. Oh yey!

When we first started dating, and having sex, he called me by his ex's name a few times. Ouch! He said he wasn't thinking of her, and it just popped out and he has no idea why. I felt really sad, but let it go. A couple weeks ago, he called me her name again. He just went on, maybe he didn't even notice. I just went on, not knowing what to do. I know the litany I would have gotten if I'd brought it up, the whole "don't I know..." thing, don't I know that he wasn't thinking about her, don't I know that he loves me, don't I know that he's caught up in the sex and doesn't know what he is saying. Doesn't he know it's like being punched in the gut for me?

I am always expected to be sensitive to his needs. To understand. But he is not sensitive to mine. He thinks I shouldn't be so demanding. He thinks I should be flexible enough to always be ok with his "spontaneity" and ready to get together when the mood hits him. He thinks I should be happy that, after he's spent the whole evening doing his thing, he calls me at bedtime so he can come over and then I have to set the alarm and wake up early so he had time for his morning rituals before work. I should feel cared for and special that he decided to spend 7 hours asleep beside me. And if I mention that I'd like an evening together..."didn't I spend last night with you?"

I need to see it in black and white. And it makes me red all over, with shame, that I have spent so much time and effort on a sham "relationship" and allowed myself to be treated so shabbily.

I've always felt that my boyfriend has considered me a convenience. We always seem to do things on his schedule, whims, moods, etc.

I understand that of course these things matter. That he has a right to his private time etc. He should not be expected to give up his hobbies and habits just because he is in a relationship. On the other hand, if a person wants to be in a relationship, then they do need to do some things differently. Sometimes it is clear he resents me and the time involved in having a relationship.

he thinks that he can buy me chocolate then not spend time with me and things will be ok. Several times I have suggested that we schedule our together time as one night a week, but something I can count on. He gets very upset and says that is NOT what he wants, that that is NOT a relationship. He thinks that I should be happy if he spends all night at his apt doing whatever he likes, then calls me before bedtime to come over. Then the  next day he says that I kept him up too late and he needs a night off to sleep.

I've been going through a really rough time lately. He keeps his phone turned off a lot, so he is not available. He buys me off with time when he is feeling like he wants dinner cooked, etc, then if I say I want to see him he gets testy and reminds me how he SPENT time with me whenever, and don't I realize he needs alone time, and that he TOLD me he likes a lot of time alone.

he used to come over to use my internet connection, but recently he got his own. I said that when he got his own I wouldn't see him anymore and he got mad and said of course he would. But since he got it I rarely see him and he doesn't call either. I know he is staying up late online, even though he tells me he just came home from work and was SO tired that he "crashed" and couldn't see me. I am tired and resentful of being "on call".

I feel so sad and lonely because of some really difficult things going on in my life. And it feels very harsh and like he is rejecting me. I just had to type this out tonight, to see it in black and white. He is being a selfish jerk. I am going to only do the once a week thing, I don't really care what he says. He plans everything around his schedule, and is cheap with me. He said tomorrow, since he has to be in town anyway, he is going to buy pizza and we can have dinner together. I think I am going to be busy, and turn MY phone off, and see how fucking bad it feels when someone changes their mind at the last minute and says they would rather be alone than with you like they said they were going to do.

He can eat his fucking pizza all by himself. he is fat, so he will probably like it better than way, then he can sit and watch tv all night or play on his computer. Pretty soon he will forget all about me anyway.